What you say is not always what they hear
Communication between partners is often confusing and there is a very good reason for this. Most of the time, the words we use have far less impact than the energy behind the words. Therefore, what you say is often not what the other person knows.
The energy behind a communication is determined by our intention. In much of the communication between partners, there are two intentions which can motivate any communication: we are often either intend to control the other person, learning or intent of ourselves and our partner . The difference in energy between these two intentions is what often creates confusion in the communication.
For example, in one of my counseling sessions with Joshua phone, he complained that his wife, Joan, often gets angry with him on minor issues in appearance. A recent conflict took place about a book she was reading. He had asked him why she was reading this book in particular, and it has responded with irritation.
“Joshua”, I asked, “why did you ask him about the book?”
“I was just curious.”
“Go deeper,” I said. “Is there something about the book that threatened to you?”
“Well…. Yeah. It was a book on women and codependency. ”
And anything that threatens to you? ”
“I am afraid to Joan pulls away from me.”
“So, what do you think that the intention was operating at that time - the intent to control or the intent to learn more about you and him?”
“I guess to be honest, I must say that I was eager to control. When I think about this, I think my tone of voice may have been to blame. Joan said she still hates me how much I try to control it, and I think it is wrong on this point. But I think that trying to control it. ”
And she answered your intention to control with irritation, which is often what happens in your relationship, right? ”
“Right. Well, what would I have said if I was open to learning?”
“It is not so much the words that the power behind the words. The energy behind the words, “Why are you reading this book?” Is totally different when the intention is to make sure that the intention is to learn. Same words can be said with a reprimand, Shame edge, or with real care and curiosity. It is your intention that determines the energy behind the words. Jeanne did not meet the words themselves, but also to blame and shame behind the words. This causes confusion for you about your communication with her. Exactly the same words can communicate two things totally different, depending on the intent. And the chances are that if you did not feel threatened by the book, you might not yet questioned why it was read. ”
“Yes, I can see that is probably true. Okay, I got it. I was trying to control her and that is what she responds, not the words I use.”
Joshua began to notice its intent. Whenever Jeanne irritated or away from him, he noticed that his intention was to control. It was a big challenge to stop trying to control her, since he had done this most of her life in all its dealings, but Joshua was highly motivated to change. He knew that if he did not, he ran the risk of losing her marriage. He began to concentrate on taking care of himself and his own feelings instead of trying to change Joan.
As Joshua has become more aware of his intentions, he was able to move his intention to consciously control to learn to take care of himself. As its intention displaced, the energy of its communications with staggered Joan, and their relationship greatly improved. Joshua was thrilled with the deeper understanding and intimacy that develops between them.
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
